Two Jars

About Eyes, Pain, and Windows

Life sounds like two unbalanced jars: one full and one empty. And it is almost automatic to concentrate on the empty one and totally forget the full one. Since I arrived in Scotland, things have been exactly like this: my eyes, my mind, my soul; everything got penetrated, and stuck, on the empty jar. And for a while, my senses didn’t perceive the full one. It was forgotten, probably hidden behind stuff into my cupboard. Lost.

Things started changing in these last days. Nothing big happened. Actually, I don’t believe that big events bring big changes. But the little ones, you know, those daily little things, so hard to be perceived. And maybe it has to do with the full jar.

Yesterday I strongly realized the sunshine invading my living room, and how gorgeous it is, especially to spend time on my favourite spot at home: a big old trunk under the window. Sitting over this trunk looking through the window, and listening to some great tune, is hypnotizing for me. And the big deal is the view: an open view where I can see the hills. And in my bedroom, there is a sea view. It is so hard to get a flat with an open view, much harder with hills and sea views. I am really glad about it. But the better part is not that, but my “backyard”: the beach. One block from my place is the wide Portobello beach. For me, the ocean is the most beautiful thing in the world. Walking on the beach, seeing the sea, feeling the sea, listening to the sea; is pure gold for me. I feel totally renewed. More than this, it is like the sea could bring myself back to me. It makes me remember who I am. I see myself in the sea. Something free, wild, and vast. And living by the sea is a childhood dream of mine, something that I have always wished for. And it is real now.

Some weeks ago, I was commenting on my Instagram about the struggles that I have been going through. And a friend sent me this message: “Aline, you got it. Look at where you are, on your own. You have already succeeded. Be aware of it.” I confess that I did not give value to this message so kind. Because all that I was able to see was the empty jar. Now, I value it deeply. Now I see the hidden full jar, that was in front of my eyes all the time, but I was blind for it. Now I understand that I got it. I achieved this huge dream of moving to Europe. I have been dreaming of it for so long. I have been planning it for so long. And now, I am here. I can see it now: I am here.

This week, I attended a psychotherapy session. I hesitated a lot about it, especially because it was into the psychoanalytical approach, and I was aware of the necessity of talking about my young years. Something very painful for me. But I did it. And boy, I wept uncontrollably during all the session. It makes me realized how much pain I was carrying. So, after telling many things about my life to the psychologist, she said: our force comes from our roots. It is the natural process of everything. People who went through severe pain at young ages, like you, usually got fearless. They can face whatever life brings. You are fearless. But you are not aware of the nature of your very strength. If you fight against the pain, you will be fighting against the process. The pain is part of the process. You need to acknowledge it. The hardness of life will be always there but will slowly dilute if you accept it. Don’t run away from who you are. The pain is part of you, and it cannot put you down.

I feel so different now. And it was a mere question of perspective. It is incredible how life puts signs in the way. Now I can see it clearly. The empty jar will be always there: full of losses and fears and absences. But it is not real, and that is the reason the jar is empty. And we usually got desperate because of it: oh my goodness, it is empty, I need to fill it, I need to pursue thing to fill it. But the full jar is always there: ready, enough, steady. We are enough. Regardless of what we are doing or where we are: we are enough. There is always something genuinely good in our lives, in ourselves. We just need to perceive it. And maybe the full jar just exists because of the empty one. An unbalanced balance sustaining Life and pushing ourselves.