Outside of the Cocoon

I arrive at 5:45 a.m in the subway to sign up the list of musicians. The "homeless" people still sleep through the empty station. One of them wakes up for a minute as I step in and so, wave at me. We already know each other. We -work- in the same place. And we carry the same adjective. He, a street dweller. Me, a street musician.

I return to the subway at 1:00 p.m to play at my first station. On the way, I see some musicians with their equipment. We greet each other longingly. We don’t know each other. But it does not matter. We're coworkers. That is enough. While I wait for the subway car, people usually stop me saying that they have seen me playing at some station. "You're really good." It totally makes my day.

Arriving where I'm going to play, the musician before me keeps his equipment while I arrange mine. We talk. We exchange information. We wish good luck to each other. "Good show".

The subway staff greets me. Some give me coins. Others watch me as they shake their heads and dance with their feet. So they pass in front of me saying "You're good, girl."

I have discovered that the best time to play is far from the rush hour when it is possible to interact with the people. So, people can listen to me better, see me better. There're always mind-blowing stories; people asking to take pictures with me, sing on the microphone! Kids are always the best of the day. They get enthralling with me playing and singing. The most wonderful scene is when their parents have no intention of giving me money, but the child paralyzes in front of me. So their parents start calling them, but they`re still there, paralyzed seeing me. Then the father/mother gives the child a coin and this little one goes to me smiling putting the coin in my case. This is gold.

Yesterday a group of teenagers not more than 15 years old made a "kitty" to give me money. Receiving money from a teenager is already very difficult, imagine a group of them... It made me very happy. Yesterday also two people "interrupted" me while I was singing just to say: "you really sing well". This is worth more than anything.

I usually arrive at an empty station to play thinking: “I will not make any coin today”. And so, I end up with the case full of coins and, almost always, some money paper too. It's incredible. People outside of this reality can’t imagine how profitable this can be. I didn’t imagine it as well, but it really is. In many ways.

I play 4 hours straight in two stations daily. Carrying heavy equipment on my back. A heavy amplifier in my arms. I arrive home very exhausted at the end of the day, with the fingers almost bleeding. But happy, genuinely happy, with a heart warmed by everything that I just narrated.

A year and half ago, I arrived in Montreal totally frightened. Without knowing exactly what I was doing, where I was putting myself in. I felt like I was throwing myself in a cliff without knowing how to fly. "Not knowing" was what I felt the most. In so many and many ways. Not knowing how to speak French, with an insignificant knowledge of English. Without knowing anyone here. With nowhere to stay. Without a degree or a real work permit. Working without a significant payment. It was an avalanche over me. Covering me.

But I was not adrift. When the situation is extreme, there is no choice. At the bottom of the hole, you can’t fall anymore. I had to redirect my life. I had to recreate myself. 2018 was the cocoon. Dark, uncertain, suffocating. The despair was big, but my hope was bigger. I knew it was a phase. I told it to myself. Every single day. Like a mantra. I told myself that every effort has a result. Even slowly.

2019 is the breakdown of my cocoon. Now I fly over Montreal. Light. Now I love Montreal. I love my life here. I'm not at all comfortable and stable. But I'm in peace. And I believe this is happiness: be in peace. I still do not speak French, but I have learned many phrases and words. I'm still not fluent in English, but today I understand and speak much better. I don’t have a stable job, but I'm surviving from my music, working 4 hours a day. And now I have time to study what I want to study, developing what I genuinely want to develop in my life. I have been living in a foreign country for almost two years, where everything is totally different for me. I feel myself blooming in countless ways. I feel myself deliberately living the reality that I want to live. Today. So, I am in peace. And now I can deeply understand that life flows in cycles. For big

transformations, big sacrifices are needed. And nobody wants the negative, only the positive. Today I understand that is a heterogeneous, inseparable mixture.

Once I lived in a house with a large palm tree which was covered with cocoons. I used to watch the difficulty that is for a new butterfly to break the cocoon and fly. The folded wings, the confused reality. They usually walk, spin, fall, and only after, fly.